Color Me Kris: relationships

Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts

I recently shared a post about mastering "we" in a marriage. Today I wanted to share with you a quick story of how my wife used the art of "we" to her advantage.

Kenya took the day off and whispered she had a surprise for me. I smiled but the wheels in my head where hard at work, cause I ain't married to a "surprise you" kind of gal. Don't worry, I took the liberty of notifying my sisters if they hadn't heard from me by days end, to come looking for me.

They of course just chuckled.

A surprise, a call in from work, and a drive to Nashville? No freaking way! We stay about 45mins outside of the city but because of the heavy traffic she despises going in the area. I keep my composure and enjoy the ride.

We eventually pull into a car lot. Now I'm really confused. We have two perfectly working SUVs (a Cadillac Esclade and a Nissan Armada). We also have a 3rd vehicle that we use if necessary. She motions for me to come on and we step out of the car. A gentleman immediately drives up in a black on black Mercedes Benz (scream!) and hands my wife the keys "Here's your car."

What the heck?!

"Baby, I thought we could get something comfortable for our trips to Virginia and for us to drive around in when just you and I go out."

Say Whaaaaaaaa... Aye, ok, ok!

My first reaction: pure excitement. My next thought: we soooo don't need this. But she's had this twinkle in her eye that melts me instantly (that and the fact I have a huge crush on black on black cars). I could sense she really wanted this. I asked a few questions, the paperwork was signed and just like that we were off.

Who drove the Mercedes home from the lot?

Her.

WE got a new car.

"We". It can be one of the most challenging expressions to implement in a marriage, all while attempting to relieve "I, me, and mine" from their prenuptial duties.

As individuals we are taught to think, do, and choose what's in our personal best interest. To be independent, to have a mind of our own. Sounds pretty accurate, right? But, what about in a marriage?

Now, by no means, am I proposing you give up who you are, but instead I'm suggesting that relationships may be more enjoyable when you begin to identify as a team. You know kind of like Sponge Bob and Patrick, mermaids and sailors, rum and coke...that kind of thing.

Though I don't claim to be an expert in marriage, life experiences have shown that of the countless couples I have met, there tends to be more difficulties in the relationships that have not mastered the art of "we".

A lot of times this can be in new relationships, but certainly not always. In fact, a couple that instantly came to mind have been married, a hell of a lot longer than I have (about 4 decades longer). That being said, this may not make or break marriages, but it certainly effects the quality of marriage.

What exactly is the "art of we"?

Well, I like to call it an art because it does take a bit of creative thinking and expression in order to tackle this skill. Simply put it just means working together as a team. Using terms like "we, our, us" versus "me, hers, mine". It doesn't stop there, to be frank its more of a lifestyle change. When your spouse has an issue (we have an issue). When there is a problem between the two of you, you attack the problem, not each other.

For example, you and your partner head out for an evening of shopping. When you return to your car, it is nowhere to be found. "We" couples will work together, one calling and filing the police report, the other reserving a rental car. Because this is an issue that happened to "them".

Take the same scenario: "I" couples begin to point fingers. "I told you, you should've locked the door." I don't know why you parked here, you should've parked where the area was lit." One of them is now upset, and the other is confused and left to feel it's their personal burden. Nothing is getting quickly resolved.

So how do you begin to implement this art?
Well, first I'd like to mention it takes patience, understanding, practice and did I mention patience?!

A good way to start would be to focus on the reasons you became a couple. Are you both into sports? Maybe have similar work interest? Enjoy the same hobbies? These things allow you to get thinking as a team.

Get each others opinions "Babe do you like the green or the blue shirt better?"

As you talk to friends make a mental note to use plural pronouns. "We just bought a new refrigerator".

Remember there's no I in team, but there's a "we" in wed.

Do you think this can effect a marriage? Why or why not? Sound off in the comments. I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Wednesday was our 9th wedding anniversary! Time sure does fly. Kenya had to work, but we did make time to exchange a few small sentiments and go out to dinner. When we got home, our eldest daughter, Lori (Lana) called to wish us a Happy Anniversary... and drop a bomb.
She's getting married next weekend. Screeeeeech....Stop the press!

That was a bit jaw dropping, definitely unexpected, but what can we do? I took a moment to confirm she's sure, express that marriage isn't for the faint at heart, and finally offer our well wishes. She and her fiance are having a simple ceremony by the lake, they plan to host a reception for family and friends soon.

Although I was a bit taken aback by the announcement, I am happy for them. Marriage truly can be a blessing. I've always taught my children to follow their heart. I've never been one to let others finalize my decisions. Reach out for guidance, yes, but I believe in being responsible for your own happiness. If you make a mistake, and you will, you learn from it and keep moving forward. The truth is if I lived for other people's happiness, I wouldn't have the amazing wife and children I have today.

Now, back to the reason for this post. As I mentioned marriage is a blessing but that doesn't mean it comes easy. After being in a union for nearly a decade, I've gained a pretty good insight into what it takes to sustain a marriage.

That being said, I've decided to start sharing a few tips that have proven successful for my marriage. If you're not yet married, but in a serious relationship, it's never to early to start implementing healthy practices. Look for these helpful tips on Monday mornings.

This year for my birthday I asked for the health and ancestry DNA test from 23 and Me. If you haven't heard of this it is basically a test that provides information on where you and your ancestors arrived from. The health reports that come with it provide even more information such as what health conditions you are more at risk for, genes that you carry that could be passed to your children, and more trivial things such as if you are lactose intolerant, or likely to have curly hair.

Ancestry Test Options
I've had a family tree built over at Ancestry for awhile. And doing the FREE trial there led me to some fascinating information about past family members including access to marriage licenses, military war cards, and even an occasional photo. (If you're nosy like me, you can even find information on living loved ones.)

Ancestry offers a DNA test as well, but I was sold with the 23andMe because I wanted the health reports as well. Also with 23 and me gives you the option to keep your information so that if relatives do this test, you can find one another. Which could be extremely helpful to those who have been adopted, or like my children, who have a donor.

Ordering The Kit
I ordered my Saliva kit which took a few days to arrive. While waiting on its arrival I went ahead and made an account on 23 and me. You do not have to have a kit to make an account. Once I made an account they gave you access to a real families results. This way you can kind of get a feel for what health reports will look like.

Arrival Of The Kit
I finally got my Saliva kit.
It arrived in a package like this...

The box itself is your free return shipping mailer so be careful not to mishandle it. This is the back of the box.

Once the box was opened there was a green "Let's get started" postcard. The back of the card reminds you to register your kit, so that the corporation knows it belongs to you. They can not process your sample unless your kit is registered.

The card holds a space for you to write down you 14-digit bar code. The code is located on your saliva collection tube. If it's easier just snap a picture of it with your phone (that's what I did). That way you have access to it without a doubt.

The first thing I did when I was preparing for my test was went to brush my teeth. But I quickly realized the package states no food or drink (including toothpaste) for 30mins. Since I now had a half an hour to wait, I just went ahead and registered my kit.

As I mentioned, I had already made an account so I simply signed in, and then hit register kit. It immediately bought me to the bar code screen, I entered the numbers.

I had previously created an account right after I placed the order for the kit, so when I was signed in a and went to register the kit, all I had to do was put in my bar code. Once completed I was taken to a screen to finalize consent forms, and then offered tips in filling the sample and the option to complete my profile by answering a few health questions.

Saliva Kit Contents
The kit contained:
1. A DNA specimen bag
2. A spit tube with attached funnel
3. A screw on cap

Directions

1. No food or drink (including tooth brushing) for 30 mins.
2. Spit in the tube til you reach the fill line. (Believe it or not this part takes a lot longer than expected)
3. Close the attached funnel.
4. Remove the funnel and place on the cap.
5. Place the specimen in the bag and seal it.
6. Then put back in the box to mail it.

The results should arrive in about 6-8 weeks, via your online account.

My kit is off to the lab and I can not wait to share the results with you soon! For more information check out at 23andme.

We've all been there...Sometimes it be's like that...

Today I'm sharing some of the best go to break up songs. There's two list, because well frankly, there's two sides to a break. The time when you need a good cry, and the time when you're sick of crying.

When You Need A Good Cry
(Click to see the image in its entirety)

When You Are All Cried Out

(Click to see the image in its entirety)

What's some of your go to break up songs?

Perks. They're found in any relationship. I don't deny that for a second. As a woman who has been in both straight and lesbian relationships I've realized there are quite a few perks that are girl to girl specific. I thought it'd be fun to list a few of them.

Double Wardrobe
This one is at the top of the list for a reason. There's nothing worse than running late, and on top of it, feeling like you have nothing to put on! More often than not, you can fumble through the next closet and have several more options right in front of you.

Periods
It's always nice being in a relationship where moodiness, cravings and cramps are understood. And your tampon supply is doubled. I know I"m not the only one out there that can appreciate that!

Girls Only Invites
Baby showers, Tasteful treasures parties, you name it. I love being able to have my partner attend events like this with me.

No Pregnancy Scares
Ever. No birth control ever.

Personal Stylist
My wife has dreads. She didn't have to go to a shop to start them, nor does she have to go to one to maintain them, because I did and do that for her. I'm not a hairstylist by any means, but some things aren't that difficult. And when I need a good flat iron or my eyebrows tended to, I know she's got me free of charge.

No Gender Roles
If the dishes need washing, wash them. If the oil needs changing go handle that.. If the kids need anything whoever is available gets it done. No (even if subconscious) male/female roles. Not even in the bedroom.

Toilet See Stays Down
Come on I know you've been there, you head to the bathroom sleepy in the middle of the night and oops! Yeah..I've had my share of wet ass.

Dressing room and Bathroom Check In
Sometimes I try on things and I hate having to leave the dressing room to get someone's opinion. Now I just pull my wife in there with me and no one thinks anything of it. Bathroom trips are the same...whatever happens in the bathroom, stays in the bathroom (wink).

*Names have been changed to maintain privacy.

Love comes in many forms. It exists between partners, parents, children, siblings, and friends. Each being as unique as the persons involved.

To start the countdown to Valentine's Day, I am sharing with you a few excerpts from real love letters I've collected from men and women over the years.

Some of these passages contain happiness, others guilt or heartbreak; but all express true raw emotion to the person that they love.

Magnetic
“You know I have this pull…….and I mean FULL FORCE pull inside me that I fight every single day. It’s like I’m metal, and you’re a magnet. I want to be with you sooo bad…”

Under Construction
“It's funny you are knocking walls down as I'm trying to build them. I don't want to let anyone in. You can come over to visit but you can't go in my secret rooms, I'm building an indestructible fortress around those 4 chambers.”

Now or Never
“Sometimes I fill this fear that I'm constantly trying to bury that tells me that you don't now nor will you ever love me the way I love you.”

A Father's Need
“Alright my beautiful daughters I've called you 2 and if I knew Shelly's number it would b 3. I've texted u both to no avail. I know I ain't done right by y'all but I do love y'all and I need y'all in my life.

Ure probably saying fuck u old man u weren't there for us and I don’t blame u, but I'm askin and praying for forgiveness. I'd like to get to know y'all and my grand kids. I love u girls with all I am. I always have, but I'm an addict.

I can't say was because once u are, u always are, but u can lock it away and don’t feed it and it will loose its strength and shrivel up. It won't ever die, but eventually, to keep from dieing, it will find another food source.

I've found that mine likes love and god and family happiness peace and tranquility. I'm almost to a point where I can feed it 3 squares a day all I'm missing is family a couple of the others come with family will y'all help me?

I'd consider it an honor, the highest honor a man could assert on this earth. It took me a long time to write this... kept getting teared up and couldn’t see. I hope u understand what I'm trying to say. I love y'all. Good night, sleep with angels on ure pillow.”

Emotional Rollercoaster

“Sorry if I upset you today with my tears. I was just a little emotional from the pregnancy I guess. So many different changes for my body and the stress that’s all. Kind of stressed I've been in pain. Just need some relaxation and a clear mind. But most of all I need you and your support…Suffering from hemorrhoid and heart burn.”

Insecurities

“Sooooo, as far as my anxieties go….

I’m just afraid that I won’t be good enough. I’m afraid that I’m not pretty enough for you. Or sexy enough for you. Or interesting enough to hold onto your attention. I’m afraid that you won’t like my body. {{{I’m afraid that you’ll get bored and “wonder”.}}} I’m scared that once we introduce “outsiders” into our relationship you’ll change, and not “like” or want to be with me anymore. I’m SO scared that I’ll fail you in some way, and I think that’s because I want to be SO much for you, I want to be everything you want and more…I want to exceed any and all expectations you have {don’t get me wrong, I TOTALLY realize how I’m in a sense maybe setting myself up for failure…I know I’m not perfect}. I’m scared. I’m scared. I’m just scared.”

Lightening Speed

“Ok…see it's like this. When we first started "talking" or whatever we both expected this to be a casual short-lived relationship. At least I DID. But then before I knew it I fell for you (Hard and Fast). Suddenly I couldn't see my future (life) with anyone else…even a simple thought, a thought of having the life I wanted-dreamed of- with anyone besides you was frightening; unbearable, damn near impossible, and honestly it literally makes me sick to my stomach. That's right physically sickening. Simply terrifying.”

What's your take on love? Sound off in the comments below!

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