Showing posts with label tasha. Show all posts

Thursday Thoughts...

 I recently wrote a post, that may have come across insensitive (I've now placed it on private). At the moment I was hurting like hell. As most of you know, I wear my heart on my sleeve and often times focus on what I'm feeling versus the logicality of things. I don't want anyone to assume I don't care about the person that was mentioned. As I tried to make clear, my post was not about her, but more about my own personal grief. 

Grief is a terrible, horrible, thing that I wish upon  no one. I miss Tasha beyond measure, and my heart continues to break for her parents, her daughter and her fiance. She was an only child but we were sisters.

I'm usually a very forgiving person. I believe in second chances. I've been through a lot in my life and I've made mistakes. I'm not perfect, I've hurt people. Some who have forgiven me and some who've chosen to let go. And that's okay.

 Recently though, I've been battling with this forgiveness thing. Since Tasha's death, I have begin to view the world differently. Life is too short. We've all heard it. But it takes on a new meaning when it hits so close to home.

Now some of you may think, if you feel that way, it should be easy to forgive and forget. But the truth is, it's not. I don't know if it's because I'm still stuck in the grieving process, but I feel numb. I feel more like I have zero tolerance for nonsense. I'm getting to old for it. Life is too short to allow people to sabotage the quality of life. This time it's about me.

Believe it or not, that previous sentence was hard to type. I'm constantly thinking of others, constantly doing for others...At the end of the day, I feel used up by those who take, take, take, but never add to the pot. I've been hurt several times in a matter of months. I don't use "hurt" lightly. There's a big difference between mad and hurt. I don't deal well with hurt...

Is it me or does it seem today's generation has an extreme lack of empathy? People do whatever they want and then drop an "I'm sorry", and you're suppose to smile like nothing happened. News Flash: My heart ain't set up like that. 

This might sound crazy, but sometimes, if feels like because there is now physical distance between  my family and I, it's causing emotional distance as well. Its like they're stepping on my toes more, thinking it doesn't hurt as bad, because they can't see me crying. Thankfully, they make steel toe boots.
 
 I suppose I'll strap on a pair, then give the rest to God and this Tennessee whiskey....

Message from the counselor

Warning I'm in my feelings right now. That translates to I'm about to spill some tea, drop a few F bombs and maybe hurt a few feelings. But who cares, mines are hurt. DEEPLY.

A few days ago, I received a text message. The message said "Did you hear bout this?" It was accompanied with a screen shot of an FB post by my sisters BFF (a family friend). It read "If something happens to me, then (said person) did it." Pretty alarming right? Especially since we've known her about the same time we've known Tasha, my best friend.

The said person is her estranged husband. She's battling a messy divorce right now. Now before I say what I'm about to say, I want you to know, I'm not taking this situation lightly. I get that things can get real ugly, real fast when dealing with divorce.  In fact, this situation really has NOTHING to do with what I'm writing about and EVERYTHING to do with being a trigger.


BUT why did I get this text in the first place? I'm out of state therefore couldn't be of immediate help.

Ahhh it was because I was suppose to care. It's my sisters BFF so I was suppose show concern. As the "counselor" of the family, I was suppose to whip out my big heart, act in disbelief, share helpful advice, maybe something inspirational, and check to make sure she and everyone in the family was okay.

Well here are my words from the heart:

FUCK ALL OF YOU!!!!! My BEST FRIEND since CHILDHOOD JUST DIED!!! She is actually DEAD. I was in an extremely dark place (and it still ain't all that bright) and none of you mother fuckers gave a fuck!
 "Oh sorry to hear bout Tasha, Kris."
 No emotion. No check in.

 My nerves were shot to hell. I was experiencing some shit my body never in 37 years of living had ever felt. I couldn't stomach the sight of food, I had shakes like a fucking junky. I begged you, all of you, any of you to come see me. Come comfort me, console me, help me ease this pain. You think that was easy for me to do?

 I've been away from home for 2.5 years, have blown money I didn't have, just to purchase an airline ticket or fill up my truck 4 times (2 down, 2 back). Rearranged my family's daily schedules (that ain't easy for a child with autism), just to make sure I make it home twice a year.

I'm tired of being there for everyone else. I'm SICK and TIRED! I'm in tears right now.
I'm angry, I'm bitter and I'm resentful as hell!! I literally begged...Something completely out of my character, because I don't ask anyone for shit.  You should of known I really needed you! Instead I got "She gonna move, and now expect somebody to come see her" or "Oh I'll come, but, do you mind if I bring this dude with me?" You got a husband, I wasn't asking you to plan a side nigga getaway...FUCK YOU!
Or worst yet "Crickets". Which means you didn't even call.

Nobody cared. Nobody called. Nobody gave a flying fuck.

 Just so we're all on the same page:
 #FuckYou #ThisCounselorsGoneMad   #ZeroFucksAreGiven #ThisCounselorNeedsHerCounselor
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