Showing posts with label family drama. Show all posts

Thursday Thoughts...

 I recently wrote a post, that may have come across insensitive (I've now placed it on private). At the moment I was hurting like hell. As most of you know, I wear my heart on my sleeve and often times focus on what I'm feeling versus the logicality of things. I don't want anyone to assume I don't care about the person that was mentioned. As I tried to make clear, my post was not about her, but more about my own personal grief. 

Grief is a terrible, horrible, thing that I wish upon  no one. I miss Tasha beyond measure, and my heart continues to break for her parents, her daughter and her fiance. She was an only child but we were sisters.

I'm usually a very forgiving person. I believe in second chances. I've been through a lot in my life and I've made mistakes. I'm not perfect, I've hurt people. Some who have forgiven me and some who've chosen to let go. And that's okay.

 Recently though, I've been battling with this forgiveness thing. Since Tasha's death, I have begin to view the world differently. Life is too short. We've all heard it. But it takes on a new meaning when it hits so close to home.

Now some of you may think, if you feel that way, it should be easy to forgive and forget. But the truth is, it's not. I don't know if it's because I'm still stuck in the grieving process, but I feel numb. I feel more like I have zero tolerance for nonsense. I'm getting to old for it. Life is too short to allow people to sabotage the quality of life. This time it's about me.

Believe it or not, that previous sentence was hard to type. I'm constantly thinking of others, constantly doing for others...At the end of the day, I feel used up by those who take, take, take, but never add to the pot. I've been hurt several times in a matter of months. I don't use "hurt" lightly. There's a big difference between mad and hurt. I don't deal well with hurt...

Is it me or does it seem today's generation has an extreme lack of empathy? People do whatever they want and then drop an "I'm sorry", and you're suppose to smile like nothing happened. News Flash: My heart ain't set up like that. 

This might sound crazy, but sometimes, if feels like because there is now physical distance between  my family and I, it's causing emotional distance as well. Its like they're stepping on my toes more, thinking it doesn't hurt as bad, because they can't see me crying. Thankfully, they make steel toe boots.
 
 I suppose I'll strap on a pair, then give the rest to God and this Tennessee whiskey....

Message from the counselor

Warning I'm in my feelings right now. That translates to I'm about to spill some tea, drop a few F bombs and maybe hurt a few feelings. But who cares, mines are hurt. DEEPLY.

A few days ago, I received a text message. The message said "Did you hear bout this?" It was accompanied with a screen shot of an FB post by my sisters BFF (a family friend). It read "If something happens to me, then (said person) did it." Pretty alarming right? Especially since we've known her about the same time we've known Tasha, my best friend.

The said person is her estranged husband. She's battling a messy divorce right now. Now before I say what I'm about to say, I want you to know, I'm not taking this situation lightly. I get that things can get real ugly, real fast when dealing with divorce.  In fact, this situation really has NOTHING to do with what I'm writing about and EVERYTHING to do with being a trigger.


BUT why did I get this text in the first place? I'm out of state therefore couldn't be of immediate help.

Ahhh it was because I was suppose to care. It's my sisters BFF so I was suppose show concern. As the "counselor" of the family, I was suppose to whip out my big heart, act in disbelief, share helpful advice, maybe something inspirational, and check to make sure she and everyone in the family was okay.

Well here are my words from the heart:

FUCK ALL OF YOU!!!!! My BEST FRIEND since CHILDHOOD JUST DIED!!! She is actually DEAD. I was in an extremely dark place (and it still ain't all that bright) and none of you mother fuckers gave a fuck!
 "Oh sorry to hear bout Tasha, Kris."
 No emotion. No check in.

 My nerves were shot to hell. I was experiencing some shit my body never in 37 years of living had ever felt. I couldn't stomach the sight of food, I had shakes like a fucking junky. I begged you, all of you, any of you to come see me. Come comfort me, console me, help me ease this pain. You think that was easy for me to do?

 I've been away from home for 2.5 years, have blown money I didn't have, just to purchase an airline ticket or fill up my truck 4 times (2 down, 2 back). Rearranged my family's daily schedules (that ain't easy for a child with autism), just to make sure I make it home twice a year.

I'm tired of being there for everyone else. I'm SICK and TIRED! I'm in tears right now.
I'm angry, I'm bitter and I'm resentful as hell!! I literally begged...Something completely out of my character, because I don't ask anyone for shit.  You should of known I really needed you! Instead I got "She gonna move, and now expect somebody to come see her" or "Oh I'll come, but, do you mind if I bring this dude with me?" You got a husband, I wasn't asking you to plan a side nigga getaway...FUCK YOU!
Or worst yet "Crickets". Which means you didn't even call.

Nobody cared. Nobody called. Nobody gave a flying fuck.

 Just so we're all on the same page:
 #FuckYou #ThisCounselorsGoneMad   #ZeroFucksAreGiven #ThisCounselorNeedsHerCounselor

The Call


Hello my dear friends,

 Bare with me through this post, as I literally just got off the phone with my eldest daughter. My daughter left home shortly after the holidays, to take up a pharmaceutical trade at Job Corps.  In the few months she's been away, she's quickly made a new friend, em em (clears throat), boyfriend.

 Every other word in our conversation was his name. Cupid hit at point blank range on this one, she's fallen faster than you can say WTH! For the record I don't want to come across too judgmental. I know you can't put a time frame on love, but damn. I just want her to be cautious with her heart and who she gives it to. Especially this quick.

 I guess what I'm trying to say is, she's already raised some red flags, by telling me her boyfriend has a temper and can blow a head gasket at the drop of a dime. He's gotten into arguments with others on campus, and if she tries to calm him down, he will snap at her as well.

 I. don't. like. that. one. bit.

  I voiced my concerns to her, but she assured me everything's ok and that she's had him talk to a career counselor, just to be on the safe side.

 As a mother, I still don't like it.

 Today as we were about to end our conversation, I jokingly said, just don't get pregnant. She started stuttering "aaaaaaah" I laughed because I knew she was messing around with me.

 She insisted she wasn't kidding. For entertainment purposes, I asked several questions...she answered them, stating it was indeed true and even inquired about my feelings.

 I entertained further, "Well, I'd certainly be concerned for your well being as far as finances, just starting a trade, and the fact that if you really are, well you've known him less than 90 days, I've got take-out in the fridge older than that."

 "Mooom!"

 We laughed and hung up with our usual I love you's and her asking me not to tell anyone yet, not even mama (my wife).

 Now, I'm left here wondering. Is she asking me not to tell because its untrue? Is she really expecting and just needs time to focus and figure things out?  I'm completely in awe and utterly confused.

 During our conversation, I inquired about her last menstrual. She spoke a Jan17th date. According to my mommy calculations that would give us an October baby, right around the 24th.
 My God. Just typing that gave me chills. I think I'm about to freak out!

 I love babies and I've always hoped for grandchildren...when the time is right, of course. Could this really be the time?
Of course as a mother, I would prefer her to be married, to be stable, to be in a secure relationship. But in reality, I was a teen mom (16, 10th grade, and still at home with my parents).

 My daughter is nearly 20.  She has graduated from high school, and is making decision to better her life. She can continue her trade and will actually graduate from her courses in July. Considering that this does not cause many setbacks.

If she truly is expecting a little one, regardless of how unideal the situation, I will be here to support her, after all that's what mommy's do. Something she will possibly, be about to discover first hand.

 Well my loves, I need to have a glass of wine and be left alone with my thoughts, but I assure you this subject is not over. I will keep you posted as to the outcome in the coming weeks.

Oh my Gosh, I might be a grandma... I can't wrap my head around it yet....

                     Do you believe she's expecting or just playing a cruel joke?
                                                              
I want to hear your thoughts! Let me know in the comments or continue the discussion on my Instagram page. I'd love to hear from you!
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