anxiety,
Anxiety. That word has affected my life more than anything I can possibly think of. It's been an issue I've had since very young, and continues to be a dark cloud over my head. I've been to the doctor before, I've been prescribed medications, but weirdly enough the anxiety I have from a medication that got me seriously ill, stops me from being strong enough to take the pills. I'm terrified it will cause some ill effect. So they sit. And I panic, sweat, feel nauseous, shake and think of every worse case scenario there is, even my impending death. My mind fucked beyond repair it seems.
I usually have a few drinks to relax a little, self medicate if you will. To me its better than facing the thought of popping that pill in my mouth, not knowing what will occur, that's what anxiety is right? The fear of the unknown, the what if's and maybe's....
This time anxiety went to far. It took a way my best friend. The girl I've known since I was 12 years old. The one I celebrated my birthday with every year. The one I sat with everyday on our rides to and from school, and walked to her porch, because we lived 2 doors apart. The one who hooked me up with my first real boyfriend, who also happens to be my eldest daughter's father. The girl I turned to for everything as an adolescent and who turned to me. We both had rough childhoods, I wasn't close with my sisters back then, and she had no siblings. We were sisters.
She suffered from anxiety as well, maybe we felt that in each other when we were young and grasped on to one another for dear life. Whatever it was, it worked for us.
As we became adults we started to see each other a little less, but kept in contact often. We were both raising our families, but one thing we knew for sure we had already created a bond that could never be broken. We had a strong sisterhood and could go months without talking and pick right back up where we left off.
My dear friend, told me she would be calling me soon. She said she was due for one of our "talks". I knew exactly what she meant. She was starting to feel overwhelmed. What I didn't know is just how overwhelmed she was. I responded with "I'll be looking forward to your call". That call never came.
What did come was my friend taking her own life, right around our birthday. In fact, they buried her in the ground on MY birthday. It doesn't get any realer than that.
My anxiety and depression shot through the roof. So bad, I started believing I was going to die. I started taking this anxiety shit for real. It's not a joke. I went to the doctor with this irrational fear that I was indeed dying from some sort of illness. I had them test me for HIV because that is the one I sincerely believed was inside of me. Did I have a good reason to believe it? No. Did I have a reason to believe it at all, well only my brain is the judge of that. Let's just say when you're feeling anxious Google ain't your friend.
It took 4 days from the time I went into the doctor's office, until I got my labs back. That's 96 hours. 5,760 minutes. 345,600 secs. Of anxiety. No eating, no drinking, no sleeping, no functioning at all. Just existing in my own deranged mind. Literally laying there "dying" rather it was real or not.
Nobody understands, and if spoken aloud, you are deemed as crazy. People ask you to snap out of it, as if it were really that easy. If it were, don't you think I'd prefer that route? Seriously.
Finally the call came. My heart dropped as soon as I saw the number on my phone. I had prepared my mind for the inevitable.
I was HIV Negative.
Thank God. I could finally breathe. But the doctor didn't give me a clear bill of health. What she said was, I have some Vitamin and Iron deficiencies. So they needed to run further test. Wait what? I didn't see that one coming. So although, I knew now that I was not dying of HIV, my brain quickly flipped to I'm dying of Cancer. So there I lay once again. Not being able to function. Just playing the waiting game. It got so bad, I took an anxiety pill. I just said fuck it, and stuck it in my mouth with a sip of water. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I thought to myself what the hell could be worse than what I'm feeling right now?
I waited nothing really happened, I felt a little light headed (but that could've totally been me freaking in my head). And then I realized it kind of took the edge of things a little. And I was able to sleep.
The remaining results came back, there was nothing going on, just some deficiencies. Which seem to run in my family. I can finally breathe a little better and get my life back on track and start my healing process (of the loss of my dear friend).
If you suffer from anxiety I beg you to talk to someone. Accept help. It's not a sign of weakness, it's not a character flaw, it's not a lack of faith in any way. It is something going on in our bodies and brain that you have no control of, but it can be helped. If you are like me and aren't a fan of medication, they have behavioral counseling that I hear is a big help. After all, a lot of anxiety is actually learned behavior (surprised me too).
I will let you know when my first session is, and how it plays out.
As for you reach out to someone. And if you don't have anyone help is a phone call away: 1.800.273.8255
If you are in immediate danger, dial 911.
I promise you, things can and will get better.
Fuck You Anxiety
Anxiety. That word has affected my life more than anything I can possibly think of. It's been an issue I've had since very young, and continues to be a dark cloud over my head. I've been to the doctor before, I've been prescribed medications, but weirdly enough the anxiety I have from a medication that got me seriously ill, stops me from being strong enough to take the pills. I'm terrified it will cause some ill effect. So they sit. And I panic, sweat, feel nauseous, shake and think of every worse case scenario there is, even my impending death. My mind fucked beyond repair it seems.
I usually have a few drinks to relax a little, self medicate if you will. To me its better than facing the thought of popping that pill in my mouth, not knowing what will occur, that's what anxiety is right? The fear of the unknown, the what if's and maybe's....
This time anxiety went to far. It took a way my best friend. The girl I've known since I was 12 years old. The one I celebrated my birthday with every year. The one I sat with everyday on our rides to and from school, and walked to her porch, because we lived 2 doors apart. The one who hooked me up with my first real boyfriend, who also happens to be my eldest daughter's father. The girl I turned to for everything as an adolescent and who turned to me. We both had rough childhoods, I wasn't close with my sisters back then, and she had no siblings. We were sisters.
She suffered from anxiety as well, maybe we felt that in each other when we were young and grasped on to one another for dear life. Whatever it was, it worked for us.
As we became adults we started to see each other a little less, but kept in contact often. We were both raising our families, but one thing we knew for sure we had already created a bond that could never be broken. We had a strong sisterhood and could go months without talking and pick right back up where we left off.
My dear friend, told me she would be calling me soon. She said she was due for one of our "talks". I knew exactly what she meant. She was starting to feel overwhelmed. What I didn't know is just how overwhelmed she was. I responded with "I'll be looking forward to your call". That call never came.
What did come was my friend taking her own life, right around our birthday. In fact, they buried her in the ground on MY birthday. It doesn't get any realer than that.
My anxiety and depression shot through the roof. So bad, I started believing I was going to die. I started taking this anxiety shit for real. It's not a joke. I went to the doctor with this irrational fear that I was indeed dying from some sort of illness. I had them test me for HIV because that is the one I sincerely believed was inside of me. Did I have a good reason to believe it? No. Did I have a reason to believe it at all, well only my brain is the judge of that. Let's just say when you're feeling anxious Google ain't your friend.
It took 4 days from the time I went into the doctor's office, until I got my labs back. That's 96 hours. 5,760 minutes. 345,600 secs. Of anxiety. No eating, no drinking, no sleeping, no functioning at all. Just existing in my own deranged mind. Literally laying there "dying" rather it was real or not.
Nobody understands, and if spoken aloud, you are deemed as crazy. People ask you to snap out of it, as if it were really that easy. If it were, don't you think I'd prefer that route? Seriously.
Finally the call came. My heart dropped as soon as I saw the number on my phone. I had prepared my mind for the inevitable.
I was HIV Negative.
Thank God. I could finally breathe. But the doctor didn't give me a clear bill of health. What she said was, I have some Vitamin and Iron deficiencies. So they needed to run further test. Wait what? I didn't see that one coming. So although, I knew now that I was not dying of HIV, my brain quickly flipped to I'm dying of Cancer. So there I lay once again. Not being able to function. Just playing the waiting game. It got so bad, I took an anxiety pill. I just said fuck it, and stuck it in my mouth with a sip of water. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I thought to myself what the hell could be worse than what I'm feeling right now?
I waited nothing really happened, I felt a little light headed (but that could've totally been me freaking in my head). And then I realized it kind of took the edge of things a little. And I was able to sleep.
The remaining results came back, there was nothing going on, just some deficiencies. Which seem to run in my family. I can finally breathe a little better and get my life back on track and start my healing process (of the loss of my dear friend).
If you suffer from anxiety I beg you to talk to someone. Accept help. It's not a sign of weakness, it's not a character flaw, it's not a lack of faith in any way. It is something going on in our bodies and brain that you have no control of, but it can be helped. If you are like me and aren't a fan of medication, they have behavioral counseling that I hear is a big help. After all, a lot of anxiety is actually learned behavior (surprised me too).
I will let you know when my first session is, and how it plays out.
As for you reach out to someone. And if you don't have anyone help is a phone call away: 1.800.273.8255
If you are in immediate danger, dial 911.
I promise you, things can and will get better.
0 comments:
Post a Comment