marriage,
Was my marriage in trouble? There had been no infidelity on either part. We got along most of the time. But for some reason, I just couldn't shake the fact I felt so unloved.
Kenya would come home from work with flowers. Which was a sweet gesture, but where was the hug or kiss to accompany it? I'm not much of a flower kind of girl... I remember one weekend she washed and cleaned out my car. She smiled, I thanked her, and instantly thought to myself "Did it look that bad?"
I associated her cleaning my car as an implication that she felt my car was dirty.
One night in bed, I opened up about the way I was feeling. I explained to her how I needed more affection and that we didn't seem to spend ANY time together. She confusedly responded "Kris, I kiss you EVERY day, all I do is go to work and come home. We're ALWAYS together."
She was right. Was I just being unreasonable? We continued our conversation back and forth until I blurted it out "Kenya, I don't think you love me! I just feel so unloved!"
"So do I!"
Wait what?! Did she really just say that?
I've been putting my all into this relationship, I've been consistently showing romantic gestures, I've been overly affectionate. What the hell did she mean?!
What I discovered is we weren't speaking each others love language. Have you heard about the 5 love languages? It's a book by Dr. Gary Chapman that explains the different ways that individuals express their love.
It finally all made sense! Kenya and I had different love languages. After reading the manuscript and also taking the quiz (you can find here) I discovered that my primary love language is quality time, with physical touch being a close second.
What does this mean? Well, it means that I interpret love through time spent together such as focused conversations, eye contact, and someone actively listening. Through activities done together like taking walks, or sharing a hobby.
Also through physical touch such as cuddling, hugging and kissing.
Kenya's primary love language is acts of service, with giving gifts being an extremely close second. This meant she interprets love by easing the burden of responsibility on others, such as doing the dishes or cleaning out the car. She also appreciated tangible symbols (gifts) as a form of love and appreciation.
Dr. Chapman is a genius. In fact, I credit him with saving my marriage. The truth is Kenya and I love each other dearly. In fact we were expressing our love to each other every single day! The issue was we were expressing it in the way that we interpret it.
Think of it like this, if I spoke French and Kenya spoke Spanish, I could talk to her in French and tell her I love her a 1,000 times a day, but if she only speaks Spanish, she won't understand what I'm saying to her. The key would be for us to learn each others, language (or love language) in order for us to understand one another.
It makes perfect sense to me. I encourage you (if you haven't already) to read this life changing book. It has impacted my life so much, that I give this as a gift at every wedding I attend (which reminds me, I need to pick up a copy for my daughter).
Today, I've learned to do things for Kenya, such as iron her shirts that are wrinkled, or perhaps do a task for her I know she hates.
Has it been easy? No. It's a learning experience because it doesn't come natural to do certain things, that I don't personally interpret as truly meaningful. But the fact that I know she does, is what motivates me to keep going.
I fall short sometimes, I'll admit. And she does as well. But we understand each other much better than we previously did. I've learned not to take things personally. I know that I love her and she loves me.
Marriage isn't a perfect thing, just two imperfect people trying to get it right.
Unhappily Married
Seriously. For quite some time in the early part of my marriage, I felt like my wife didn't love me. I couldn't comprehend what the disconnect was. I would try to bring a little romance and set up some time where we could take a few moments from the kids and go for a walk and watch the sunset, or I'd try to pull her close and hold her, several times throughout the day, so she'd understand how much she means to me. She didn't seem interested. In fact it didn't have much of an impact at all.
Was my marriage in trouble? There had been no infidelity on either part. We got along most of the time. But for some reason, I just couldn't shake the fact I felt so unloved.
Kenya would come home from work with flowers. Which was a sweet gesture, but where was the hug or kiss to accompany it? I'm not much of a flower kind of girl... I remember one weekend she washed and cleaned out my car. She smiled, I thanked her, and instantly thought to myself "Did it look that bad?"
I associated her cleaning my car as an implication that she felt my car was dirty.
One night in bed, I opened up about the way I was feeling. I explained to her how I needed more affection and that we didn't seem to spend ANY time together. She confusedly responded "Kris, I kiss you EVERY day, all I do is go to work and come home. We're ALWAYS together."
She was right. Was I just being unreasonable? We continued our conversation back and forth until I blurted it out "Kenya, I don't think you love me! I just feel so unloved!"
"So do I!"
Wait what?! Did she really just say that?
I've been putting my all into this relationship, I've been consistently showing romantic gestures, I've been overly affectionate. What the hell did she mean?!
What I discovered is we weren't speaking each others love language. Have you heard about the 5 love languages? It's a book by Dr. Gary Chapman that explains the different ways that individuals express their love.
It finally all made sense! Kenya and I had different love languages. After reading the manuscript and also taking the quiz (you can find here) I discovered that my primary love language is quality time, with physical touch being a close second.
What does this mean? Well, it means that I interpret love through time spent together such as focused conversations, eye contact, and someone actively listening. Through activities done together like taking walks, or sharing a hobby.
Also through physical touch such as cuddling, hugging and kissing.
Kenya's primary love language is acts of service, with giving gifts being an extremely close second. This meant she interprets love by easing the burden of responsibility on others, such as doing the dishes or cleaning out the car. She also appreciated tangible symbols (gifts) as a form of love and appreciation.
Dr. Chapman is a genius. In fact, I credit him with saving my marriage. The truth is Kenya and I love each other dearly. In fact we were expressing our love to each other every single day! The issue was we were expressing it in the way that we interpret it.
Think of it like this, if I spoke French and Kenya spoke Spanish, I could talk to her in French and tell her I love her a 1,000 times a day, but if she only speaks Spanish, she won't understand what I'm saying to her. The key would be for us to learn each others, language (or love language) in order for us to understand one another.
It makes perfect sense to me. I encourage you (if you haven't already) to read this life changing book. It has impacted my life so much, that I give this as a gift at every wedding I attend (which reminds me, I need to pick up a copy for my daughter).
Today, I've learned to do things for Kenya, such as iron her shirts that are wrinkled, or perhaps do a task for her I know she hates.
Has it been easy? No. It's a learning experience because it doesn't come natural to do certain things, that I don't personally interpret as truly meaningful. But the fact that I know she does, is what motivates me to keep going.
I fall short sometimes, I'll admit. And she does as well. But we understand each other much better than we previously did. I've learned not to take things personally. I know that I love her and she loves me.
Marriage isn't a perfect thing, just two imperfect people trying to get it right.
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